I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
