i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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