I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
