I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
