just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
