i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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