So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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