Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
no, he came in my armpit
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
