she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
