Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
