why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
