Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
