hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
