smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
