i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
