Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
