and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
