you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
