i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
