Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
how drunk are you?
Several
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
