I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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