i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
