Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
