Already got asked if we're dating
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
