She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
