I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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