I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
