lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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