glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
