Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
