k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
