It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
