The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
