I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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