i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
