Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
