I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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