I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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