You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He felt like a one man threesome
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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