i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
