wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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