I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
