..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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