Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
