My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
