So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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