Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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