Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
