A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
