I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
