i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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