Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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